coniferous_you: (Accurate Portrait)
So a few things happened:

1) I decided to take a little time off from sprinting because I woke up one morning and had to stay in bed because my lungs just didn't work all day.

2) I've been seeing a therapist for my anxiety.

3) With no anxiety or sprinting to wear me out, over the past week or so the usual manic tendencies I get this time of year have become full-on mania.

There are positives:

- I have written somewhere past ten thousand words in the past few days. Some of those words finished my chapters of George Cooney Doesn't Live Here Anymore.

- I got a lot of editing done in a very short period of time, some paid and some for friends. The highlight was editing Derek's the Circle because it took so little time that I then also edited an outline of the virus story also from Derek. There was also, in this time, a thesis about what it takes to be a champion. That was pretty neat too.

- I have been everywhere all the time. My friends have needed things and I have bought them things or given them things I own or have helped them out with words or shouty e-mails.

But there are negatives:

- Will I regret that money I spent on my friends? Will I regret the stuff I gave away?

- I have slept four hours a night for at least a week now. I am not insomniac. I am not anxious. I simply cannot sleep more than that. I am going to pay for this.

- I get ideas that just will not go away and sometimes they're actually good ideas but I have to shout about them and I lack the awareness to consider, for example, that people shouldn't be shouting after a certain point in the day.

- I require constant stimulation to maintain my mental stability. That doesn't sound so bad because productivity, but sometimes I run out of writing, editing, books, exercise, cooking, baking, and people to talk to and then what do I do.

- The worst thing is probably the feeling that my days are no longer connected to each other. Thus, stuff that happened yesterday doesn't necessarily have any bearing on today and tomorrow is a very distant possibility. So I don't worry about the future, but I also can't be comforted by the past. (Translation: I am a six-year-old).

BASICALLY right now I am kind of effervescent and kind of a jerk and the real problem here is that, although I feel vaguely guilty for being this way, when I am occupied I like it.

November 2014

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